Dealing with Transition Through Vulnerability and Text Messages

Writing to a friend on the other side of the world

Me: How are you? I got back this evening from FL and immediately my house overwhelmed me. My house! I’m such a bad mother. So bad my daughter gave me permission to go back. I’d been home less than a half hour! I told her that made me really sad, but you know how Paul says he did what he knew he shouldn’t do? I did too! It wasn’t until past their bedtime, that I finally gave them the gifts my parents sent them and showed them pictures from my trip. That should have been first, I know, but it’s like I become possessed and until things are in order I can’t think. I apologized to the girls before bed. I told them it was wrong of me, that I was happy to see them.  What can I do? How do I change this? And just as I landed, we got an email from our organization telling us that because all of our summer physicals and things haven’t been sent to them, our file has been closed.  I’m not even sure what that means!!! So that didn’t help. I know. I just need to go to bed, but I’m afraid I’ll still be an ogre in the morning. I’ll try to go running to release some of that tension and give the girlies extra love in the AM. I’m just sad! Sorry to drop this on you, so far away dealing with your own things. Just know, I’m right there with you, but praying you are doing better than me today.  Especially since I’ve been thinking all week on the verses that talk about taking your thoughts captive, and I just let mine steamroll me today. Maybe we can talk sometime? It’s been helpful to write.  Thanks for reading. Hugs to you!

Reply: Big big hugs! I totally feel and can empathize with everything you wrote. I was that way Monday night after coming home from work. I get that way a lot actually. It wasn’t a bother or a burden for me to read your trial, as it does actually encourage me that I’m not the only one struggling.  It is so easy to see other people’s pictures and posts and emails and blogs and think, “Why can’t I get it together and be more like them?” This virtual world is detrimental to mental health…and yet, it sure helps you and I to connect and commiserate. You did the right thing to make things right. Trust God to help. He is helping us. It helps me to remember that God gave me these kids to reveal my true inner me that needs His work.

In answer to the Velvet Ashes connections group question “How do you deal with chaos? Does it delight you or frustrate you?”

Me: It overwhelms me! I can’t even think straight when things are disorderly (which to me is chaos.) And right now, as things are still not normalizing, its’ driving me crazy! I’m thinking the honeymoon may be over. I purchased chests of drawers tonight, because I’m tired of having clothes here and there and everywhere. And just walking into our back bedroom with boxes “throwing up” in every corner makes me want to scream! So this is my prayer request for this week: to see some order come into my life, some sense of normalcy sooner than later. Or for the Lord to carry me through until it comes.

Reply: Praying that you’ll get some time to put things into drawers and feel more organized in the physical chaos. And that you’ll be able to lean on Him until that normalcy comes.  Today in our FB group for connection group leaders, C. L. wrote, “Let’s look into our chaos and choose to remember that there is order behind it.  Look it straight in the eye so it can point you to the perfect director, orchestrating things we cannot even see.” I’m praying this for you this morning.

In my Velvet Ashes connection group's space for praises and prayer requests

Me: We got word by email that our (health?) file was being closed by default with our sending organization because we had not completed the appropriate medical evaluations by their deadline. First of all, I don't even know what closing our file means. Secondly, we did all of our evaluations. So I’ve spent the last day trying to clear that up after having spent the last month scheduling appointments and going to them. Very frustrating! Sorry that both of my posts tonight have been fraught with distress and despair, but that is what I’m feeling right now. I know this will all be cleared up, but the stress has made me unbearable to be around for the last two days and being that I was gone over the weekend, my family has suffered.  Feeling terrible about that. Praying that a good night’s sleep and some good news tomorrow (like they’ve received all the documentation from our doctors) will help me to feel better.  But also praying for the Lord to give me wisdom for how to deal with it better in the future. Like Paul says, I do what I don’t want to do and don’t do what I want to do!

Reply: Oh man!! This sounds so frustrating. Praying that all will be cleared up quickly. When I am in your situation, I am super grateful that His mercies are new every morning.  Here’s to a wonderful Wednesday.

Text message to a new friend and neighbor

Me: Just feeling a bit overwhelmed and tired. Hoping things will stabilize/normalize soon. Been remembering the transition talk M gave and have started to think the honeymoon may be over! Purchased two chests of drawers tonight. Fed up with my suitcase!

Reply: Yes, I totally get that! It does take a while to get settled and fit into the new normal. Drawers do help! But even then, it does take a while. One day at a time. M’s transition talk is spot on. Being able to give yourself grace for the transition is also super helpful.

Each reply was like a small gift from God.  

My take aways: 

•  My inner me needs Him. Absolutely! Today was the second day after a missing two weeks of digging into His word in the mornings, and I can already tell a difference.  
•  He is orchestrating things on my behalf that I can’t see. I need to choose daily to believe that. I don’t know the end result of our most recent transition trial, but I already see in the flurry of emails that have ensued that our organization is working on improving some of its practices as a result of our situation and deeply cares for us and ours. 
• His mercies are new every morning.  Praise the Lord! Rather than going to my regular job today, I got a “break” from the norm and spent it at my girls’ school subbing there for a change.  It’s given me time to think and reflect. I’m choosing to see that as His mercy for me today. 
• And, last but not least,  I need to give myself grace. This is the hardest one for me. Can I be certain I won't react the same way again? Sadly, this side of heaven, no I can not.  I will daily battle my flesh. And yet, "Lean into Me," is His response. 

It’s not always easy to be vulnerable, even with our closest friends, but I encourage you to try it. God may have things He’s trying to communicate to you that you might not hear any other way.  Let Him speak to you through them. Open yourself up, and be blessed.

Linking up with Velvet Ashes Chaos