Can I Really Rest? Certainly!
Before leaving Egypt, I met with a dear friend and pastoral
counselor to discuss my plans for the future.
I appreciated her honesty, and will never forget her words. She said, “Once you arrive in your home country and the girls go
to school and your husband starts his classes, then you will realize how tired
you are. Rest. Give yourself time.” In
the midst of the craziness of moving internationally and trying to finish
well, I relished the thought. I was
being given permission to rest!
I longed for it, and wondered, “Maybe this is
why the Lord gave me the word Sabbath for this year.” And yet, on the other
hand, I fought against it, letting my insecurities and fears push me to secure
a teaching license. Just in case.
Could I really just rest?
And then we arrived in the United States. Almost
immediately, it seemed
everyone’s number one concern for me was, “What will you do?” What will I do?
Here I’d been told to rest, even given permission to do so, and it was like
everyone was questioning my resolve. I
couldn’t believe how concerned everyone was with doing in this country, like if
I wasn’t doing, I wasn’t being. There
were times when I wanted to shock them, and just shout, “I don’t know. Maybe
I’ll do NOTHING! How does that make you feel?” But, I bit my tongue, and gave
more culturally appropriate answers like, “I may substitute teach.” Or, “I’ve
applied at several school districts. Just waiting to hear back.”
It was the perfect opportunity for the devil to take hold of
my fear and make it grow.
Fast forward to last Monday night. I’d subbed on Friday, cooked for potluck,
helped with Sabbath school at church on Sabbath morning, attended a community
event Saturday evening, cleaned with the deaconesses at church on Sunday
morning, done laundry and cleaned house Sunday afternoon, taken Zivah to the
doctor before school on Monday morning, cooked lunch for the school’s hot lunch
program, done our weekly shopping while I was in town, and helped out with
Adventurers Monday night. When I finally
sunk into bed, exhausted, I felt the Lord nudge me. Gently. And, the thought
that entered my mind was “New place. Same problem.”
See…I’m a doer. I love doing. I’ll volunteer myself to help out whenever I
can. Only problem is I overcommit easily.
For example, the other day while I was attending the ESL class on
campus, I offered to do the dishes and help with cleanup. The leader then asked for volunteers to go
with her to visit a new international spouse.
Without thinking, I offered myself to go, too. She jokingly replied, “How many Hadassah’s do
we have?” And, I smiled, thinking she wanted to have more of me around. Then, I
realized she was making the point that there is only one of me.
There is only one of me.
It’s hard to admit.
And as much as I’d like to be doing all the time, I do for
all the wrong reasons: to please others, to stay in control, to feel
needed. And the Lord is gently nudging
me and making me aware that, like Dr. Kelly Flanagan so aptly says, “Doing is
the enemy of becoming.” Becoming who God intended me to be before I was even
conceived. Becoming fully aware that I am loved in spite of what I do.
Can I really just rest? Certainly, because my worth doesn’t
have to be tied up in what I do, but instead in what He is doing in me.
So, next time someone one asks me what I am doing, pray I’ll
have the courage to answer, “Resting in the Lord for He is good!”
“There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God;
for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did
from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no
one will perish by following their example of disobedience.” (Hebrews 4: 9-11)
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